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I'm at the Doctor's. It is ten AM. I am right on time for somethingg for the first tiime in like months. The nurse asks me about life, oh blah blah blah shooting the shit to pass the time talk. As she take's my pulse she stops talking. I can't hear it? I laugh. She asks does that happen a lot. I laugh again and tell her how my friend has tachycardia and is always checking his heart,So I let him feel my chest, neck & wrist to tell him it's better to have a fast pulse then no pulse at all & it always freaks him out & he say's "you're dead!"

so the doctor comes in,
He see's that I'm taking Trazodone & Ativan for Insomnia, I tell him I do Construction & Landscaping. The more I work the more awake throughout the day. That is doesn't exhaust me, only if I work less do I find myself tired. It's like my adrenaline keeps me moving. When I try to sleep I lay there for an hour or so, to wake up around 3 or four to wait another hour to sleep for another couple hours. I twitch if I keep still. Ask my girlfriend, always movingg. Always thinking too. He looked at me like I was inhuman with his head cocked to the side. He said you appear strong & healthy. I tell him I feel healthy. ohh, what is it to be young he justifies as he awkwardly leaves the room.

There's a wonderful start to my day, I always feel like an Alien at every single appointment ever! Neurologist's couldn't figure it out, Speech Specialists said I'm wired realll fucked up & tried to reprogram my brain, Shrink's wanted to drug me, Therapist's too. The hearing people at least could tell me I had 115% hearing where most people are below 100%, how I have a form of Auditory Processing Disorder which sparks like mad cinematic scenes in my head, but what can you do for that. I could of told them that. I don't wanna change. I just wanna be able to function, drive right, work right, to be accepted not brought down to your medical standards. On another hand if you're not with me throughout the day you wouldn't understand what I'm getting at you must observe my true nature's, So how do they make a living on assumptions?

I see how society has become it's pandemic cancer swine flu crazed plague, it's not the T-Virus, it's the AMA. Don't let me rant, Don't let the rhymes, no not yet. END IT.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 26th, 2009 06:33 am (UTC)
Fuck doctors. And fuck the police. And..I dunno. I'm just really screwed up right now and wanted to tell you to fuck doctors, because they aren't going to understand you, they'll never be able to, and only you can. It's the sad lonely alienated truth to life - that whole thing in your head? Just yours. Barely shared, barely explainable. Except in your own grasping, wispy attempts at putting it in order in your head. What they call "disorders" I call gifts and individuality. I hope you find solace though, just don't get your hopes up that they'll find it for you.
-peace and bubbles-
Jun. 30th, 2009 12:21 am (UTC)
bubbles is a must
Jul. 9th, 2009 05:06 am (UTC)
hey dude. it's janelle. i got a new journal so fucking add meee.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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